Write through Grief-Paralyzed

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Paralyzed
Have you ever watch a horror move? The victim’s response to the monster or villain is either fight, flight, or they freeze. These are the natural human response to the monsters in our lives. These monsters are our hardships, hurdles or just plain and simple, our emotional setbacks. Today, mine is Grief. Throughout my life time, there has been many, and with each one I faced, I responded with one, two or all of these responses.
My word for today is paralyzed. I get this overwhelming pressure of loss when I think of my momma, today marks one month. I feel dread, fear, all the monster in this horror show. Which in turn, I face it, but don’t move. I can’t move. I am like this helpless creature just waiting without acting but allowing the monster to consume me. I’m paralyzed.
My mother’s passing has brought all of the responses in my thoughts. I feel as though I am fighting my way out of pain. So I am in constant search for a strategy to find my way to end this fight. That is where the flight comes into play. I want to run somewhere, to a place that I feel peace in my heart. If not peace but a sense of healing, so here I am again writing.
I have had my altercations with depression and I never want to return to that dark place again because that is not me. Yet right now I feel its ugly face staring me right in the eyes. I’m scared but fight mode isn’t kicking in… Flight process isn’t an option. So I freeze. I cry, get on my knees and pray then get up to write. I miss you Momma!

blog paralyzed

 

4 responses »

  1. Struggles I am all too familiar with myself. I’m sure many others as well. These types of pain tend to be very private. We each work through them the best we can. Those who criticize how we work through our pain don’t truly understand the depths of our pain.

    I have found writing to be my closest, best friend. Of course, my writing is me, that inner part of me, and writing affords that conversation I need to have with someone who completely understands. Words are merely symbols created by man to attempt to describe our world in all its aspects. Words cannot truly capture many emotions. Words miss the complexities and beauties as well as the ugliness of emotion. But words help.

    Writing through your grief is fighting back. That’s not paralysis, although I get how it can feel that way. You are strong. By writing, you are flexing your muscles. Keep that conversation going, and know that others need to hear your struggles because they too need light in their darkness.

    Liked by 1 person

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