Tag Archives: God

Write through Grief

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Write through grief
For years, even as a young girl, I have written letters through struggles or problems that were weighing heavy on my heart. Letters that would contain words I could never say or understand, questions of why I was suffering.

First let me start off with…

My Momma Died. There, I wrote it, it stings, hurts tremendously but it also feels like I released some of my pain…
Those were the first words I wrote after she passed. I was struggling with “being in the moment” with my writing. I had so much to say but couldn’t write it. So I asked myself why?
“MY MOMMA DIED!” Screamed at me. So I wrote it. Was I being too harsh with myself? Probably. BUT on a lighter note, I came up for a breath. I wrote. Let me start by saying my Momma and I made a deal to write together. We even jokingly talked about after she passed we would channel each other and continue to write. I know, sounds crazy, it is just something I believe is possible, because writing for me is a link to something DIVINE.  God? My higher self? The universal realm? A collective conscience?

Who knows, what I do know, it is the truest form of me I know. I’m hurting, that is no doubt a reason to connect and find out how to cope. So here I am COPEING…
I haven’t written in months. This is not me. So I asked myself why? All I could do was answer with positive thought. Example. “You write to inspire.” A voice in my head answered.
Then I say out loud “How can you write Jorja when you have NOTHING inspirational to say. My Momma died!” I screamed at myself again. Brutally honest, I was. In that perfect moment of realization, I knew how I could inspire… so here we go.
I found some writing exercises’ to do, which I didn’t realize I was already using these tools, my family was as well. Here are some techniques to help you heal through your creativity, regardless of your niche.
Crochet’
When my father and mother were in the hospital my niece crocheted blankets for them. She picked colors to match the personalities. The blankets were beautiful. I admired each little hook she made and thought to myself that I could never do that. My Momma passed with that blanket covering her frail body. It comforted her up until her last breath. This was helping my niece heal. (All I had- was words.)

 

Make a picture board.
During the preparation of my Momma’s service my sister’s and my aunt went through dozens of photo albums and buckets of pictures. They made picture board of my beautiful Momma. At her service I realized that I struggled looking at my Momma in these pictures. I was upset with myself because I couldn’t enjoy them, but I saw how it was helping them heal. So I became desperate to find my way to healing and here I am…WRITING (My words)!

 

WRITING-Pick a word for the day
Dig deep into your heart and use one word that describes the feeling you feel. Write it. Here is one of my words (I have been doing a word daily) I am amazed at how many words (feelings) I go through each as powerful as the next.
EXAMPLE
Lost…
I am lost. I can’t put my finger on it but I don’t know which direction I need to go. I can’t focus. These are the times I needed Momma most because regardless of what was happening around me I knew Momma could somehow make it seem that the world wasn’t falling on me. Now that she is gone I feel lost and underneath a pile of rubble. With more being dumped on me daily. Hopelessly lost.
Write a three word phrase
This was the first exercise I did, not even realizing it. “My Momma died.” Here is a tamer version. Describe your three words and why you choose them. Feel them.
EXAMPLE
Feels like home…
Momma always made me feel as if I was home. No matter where we were, sitting in the car in the Wendy’s parking lot eating a cheese burger, because she was too exhausted to go in after her dialysis treatment. Stopping by my house after getting her hair done at the Hair dresser, or even moments driving home after I suffered my first broken heart or first failure. The feeling of home, security, love, warmth a place you long for after life’s demanding of your time. That was my Momma. Her heart loved and loved me more than I think I loved myself. Now she is gone and I feel like I’ve lost my home.

 

Write a letter
This last exercise for today was the hardest one for me, but I received the biggest reward from this exercise. It made the biggest impact on me. I suggest doing this exercise for yourself and it doesn’t have to be to someone who is deceased.
Write a letter to that person. Write feelings, memories, and your perception of life. Remember this doesn’t have to be perfect, edited or even make since it is YOUR letter.
EXAMPLE

Dear Momma,
I think of you often, but not as much as I should. You see, when I think of you, I get this overwhelming pressure in my chest and my heart begins to hurt. I think my heart is breaking Momma, so I try to avoid seeing your beautiful face in my mind…I can’t handle this pain!!
I talk of you often Momma, but not as much as I should. You see when I talk of you, my lips begin to quiver, and the pressure in my head throbs, and then, the tears begin to flow. I try to add something funny that you did, or said, only to help me get through the conversation of you. It must show because most people change the subject of our conversation. It hurts so much Momma…
I am trying to look like I am strong, put together, like you did when Nana died. So I cry when I am alone, because I don’t want the boys to feel my pain. Just like you did Momma.
I am missing you already Momma. I try not to because I know it is going to get harder the longer I go without having you in my life.  I’m missing you so much Momma. I’m not sure I can do this without you. Momma are you there?

Write a response letter from that person. This is the hardest part of the exercise. But this is that link to connecting to them even though they are or aren’t alive. A subconscious connection.

EXAMPLE

Hey Jorja it’s me…
Jorja this is your Momma, I just wanted to let you know honey that the pressure in your chest isn’t your heart breaking. It’s me squeezing all the love I have into your heart, so my love can make you love so much bigger.
Those tears that drip from your eyes, are cleansing the sadness, to make room for the funny stuff, because I am quit fun-loving.
And Jorja Beth, there is no need to look strong, you are strong and put together. You are my daughter aren’t you?
Oh Jorja, the pain the boys feel isn’t yours, it is their own, and they need to see that it’s cleansing their sadness as well honey.
There is absolutely no need to miss me, because when you called out I answered, I’m here. Didn’t I?
You can do this, because I will always be here…
I always liked to think of myself as angel. Remember this, we were going to write? You promised to sit by my grave side and we would write stories together. Let’s get to writing. Write me back so I know you got this.

 

I am adjusting. I am grieving and most importantly I am healing. One day at a time. One word at a time. One exercise at a time. And the biggest part of all of this,                                I am WRITING with my Momma! I love you Momma!

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20 years of Friendship-POEM

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Friendships are the Magical Gardens
manifested on a swing.
Friendships are the trees in the Mystical Forests
patiently waiting for spring.
Friendships are the Unseen Universe
where the stars are a line.
Friendships are the constellations
the future may find.
Friendships are the cool fall breeze
that gently will blow.
Friendships are the glistening river rocks
as the waters flow.
Friendships are the twinkling of stars
shining in the night.
Friendships are the perching eagle
preparing to take flight.
Friendships are the magical sounds
of the pounding rain.
Friendships are the comfort and strength
to those in pain.
Because of written words
friendships will never die.
Butterflies are friendships and
always were meant to fly.
Friendships are kindred and always real.
Friendships are precious not even death can steal.

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Suicide prevention-Why I decided to jump…

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Today I decided to jump… on the band wagon. May I say this was very hard for me to do. This is a subject that hits very close to my heart. This week was very hard for me because I saw how everyone was jumping on the Robin Williams band wagon. Some for personal gain others because it hit home for them. It hit home for me as well. I did want to tell my story to help those needing that help but also didn’t want to jump on the personal gain band wagon. Chasing Butterflies in the Magical Garden was written to help people deal better with the suicide issue. It was the main reason I wrote it. SIGN #1. It was based on actual events that played out in my life. This is a subject that is very hard for people to talk about and I too struggle with. I’m not a wonderful writer but I will improve in time. My intentions for writing the book was help someone (Even if it is only one person) See how beautiful our lives can be especially after over coming hard obstacles life throws at us. What made me decide to write Chasing Butterflies in the Magical Garden? I had a story that suicide impacted. I had beautiful relationship, beautiful memories and beautiful moments were created because of tragedies like this and others that were prevented. Something I always say to myself when looking back…  if we wouldn’t have survived that, then the other wonderful things would have never happened.

Why I decided to jump was…I believe in signs! I believe they come from God. They are to help guide us in the direction best suited for us. I’m not out to convince anyone of this but it is how I believe. I believed he was helping me through the writing process of Chasing Butterflies in the Magical Garden. Why you ask? Because I got signs! Yep, I sure did. (That will be another book)- Writing this blog Signs were slapping me in the face again! I scrolled Facebook daily reading quotes from Robin Williams and all the movies he had played in. My favorite movie of all time was  “What Dreams May Come” I loved it so much that when it hit DVD my husband bought it for me. I have literally watched it a hundred times and each time I found something I missed. Ironically that movie was about suicide SIGN #2. Then Becky Pourchot (a fellow author) had a blog-Thanks for the Camel-thetransparentauthor.wordpress.com- SIGN#3 Take a look at it and you can understand more. That moment I started  to look for “MY SIGNS” I realize there were many.(I am only mentioning the ones that stand out the most.) and if I should even blog about this subject. Then I look on Amazon my review page and  see two really bad reviews of my book. (No that wasn’t a sign) I was devastated. My heart crumbled as though it was being ripped from my chest. (I secretly had been waiting for a bad review) I never expected to NOT get a bad review, just was not expecting them to be that negative.(Almost down right evil). I was very close to stopping myself from writing any more, at least for the public. That being announced, which too was very hard for me. I saw myself sinking like a rock, wanting to stop communicating and rereading them over and over. (Mind you I have 33 awesome reviews) but I dwelled on the two bad ones. Why you ask? I suppose it is part of our human nature. I sat staring at the bad reviews and said a prayer to God. It was something like this…

Dear God,

I’m ok that I got the bad reviews. I’m not asking you to make me a better writer or them a nicer reviewer. I am asking you to give me strength to continue writing, continue helping people with my writing. My intentions are good intentions and that is all I ask of you. I will work hard as I am able. I will become better on my own. I am asking you to help me help people coup with life tragedies, imperfections and losses.

Not long after, I signed onto Facebook the first picture that showed up on my computer screen SIGN#4-I KID YOU NOT!

GetAttachment RIP Robin Williams

Yep, a BUTTERFLY and Robin Williams- notice the quote! My words, even if they are simple, they can reach a greater number of people. My idea’s may be strange but they too can reach people. So my question is (to myself) could I change the world? Maybe not but if I can change one persons life, I’m a step in the right direction!

Thank you God…because today I write…

My Book is on her journey now!

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Also available at

AMAZON.COM,  BARNES AND NOBLE.COM, and BOOKS A MILLION.com

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English: Wooden door Looking out of the door o...

English: Wooden door Looking out of the door of Freston tower Freston Suffolk a Landmark property opened for Heritage open days 2008 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After the years of storing stress of others and fears of my own.

My doors have open and freed them.

The sadness and emptiness that I held for years,

has been released into Gods hands.

I have opened my doors to a new life.

Accepting what enters with loving anticipation.

I am fulfilled with what I have accomplished.

I trust the future is only mine to make positive.

I welcome it with a open door and will keep it safe from the outside.

Weathered I may become but  my light will always stay warm and kind.

Maintenance of the self-will be a priority no matter how bad the weather gets.

I will show myself as an example of how all insides should look.

I may still make mistakes, but I will learn from them.

My door is open ready and waiting.

My door has opened to a new life

Bleeding words

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Words

Words (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)

As the bleedings words of every page,

turn to songs of gifts and praise.

My strength grows stronger

with encouraging word.

The whisper of hope

 I have always  heard.

I lived it now and  survived it all.

Proud and strong. I’ll stand brave and tall.

My dream, I’m living it  today.

The words I have wrote, has come out to play.

Enjoy my words, for they have bled.

Survive the wounds, my words have said.

Live the life.

Love the words.

Laugh through the tears.